{"id":1729,"date":"2011-01-08T04:55:59","date_gmt":"2011-01-08T09:55:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/stager.tv\/?p=1729"},"modified":"2020-07-25T18:59:28","modified_gmt":"2020-07-25T23:59:28","slug":"an-appalling-film-to-be-avoided-at-all-costs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/stager.tv\/?p=1729","title":{"rendered":"An Appalling Film to Be Avoided At All Costs"},"content":{"rendered":"

Note: I don’t normally write film reviews, but the film I just saw angered me in ways I have rarely experienced.<\/em><\/p>\n

I just treated myself to a late night movie and boy am I sorry. I waste $12 routinely, but rarely does it make me as angry as having paid to see The Black Swan<\/em>. I am truly amazed by just how much I hated a film I hoped to love.<\/p>\n

The Black Swan is a mash-up of The Bad News Bears<\/em> and a snuff film<\/em>. It was disturbing that young men in the audience were laughing out loud like they were watching Daddy Day Care<\/em> and just saw the dad get hit in the crotch. I saw guys in the early 20s high-fiving each other after the film and overheard one say that he had seen three times. I would be delighted if young men had fallen in love with a ballet film, but The Black Swan<\/em> is no more about ballet than Yogi Bear 3-D<\/em> is a reinterpretation of Kafka.<\/p>\n

BOO!<\/strong><\/h1>\n

I some neither an elitist who does not appreciate popular culture or a populist who does not understand high art. My friends and Twitter followers know that I a man of diverse tastes. I love Jersey Shore<\/em>, Alban Berg operas and Sarah Vaughan. I enjoy Tarantino, Scorcese, Woody Allen, Spkie Lee and the occasional tear-jerker. I have a subscription to the LA Philharmonic and have been known to see a Broadway show, three sets of live jazz and a Prince concert in less than two days after flying for ten hours.<\/p>\n

The Black Swan is an incredibly manipulative exploitation film. It seemed like a film school homework assignment. I imagine the assignment was as follows:<\/p>\n

Find a gentle subject like ballet or a lovable character like a Mickey Mouse stuffed toy and make a terrifying film out of those otherwise innocuous elements. You must satisfy this assignment by using the following elements gratuitously:<\/p>\n

    \n
  • Slow-motion<\/li>\n
  • Smashing things<\/li>\n
  • Spinning the camera<\/li>\n
  • Dub the sound of the main character breathing high in the mix<\/li>\n
  • Inaudible bass pops inserted in quiet scenes to portend doom<\/li>\n
  • Have the lights go out without reason<\/li>\n
  • Crying<\/li>\n
  • Screaming<\/li>\n
  • Loud music<\/li>\n
  • Broken glass<\/li>\n
  • If you find is a sharp object, jab it repeatedly into the face or torso of someone<\/li>\n
  • Whenever there is a lull in the action, make blood flow from somewhere<\/li>\n
  • Lock your front door with multiple locks<\/li>\n
  • Break down a door<\/li>\n
  • And don\u2019t forget that every time a second character enters a scene, you need a quick cut and for the protagonist to be startled<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/blockquote>\n

    Natalie Portman is<\/em> an impressive actress, but I care a lot more about characters in Glee<\/em> than I did about her character in The Black Swan<\/em>. I should have known that the film was a piece of schlock when it was advertised as a \u201cpsycho-sexual thriller\u201d \u2013 doth protest too much? That\u2019s right, The Black Swan<\/em> is all the things teenagers like without getting any of them right. This is a slasher film with tutus and Tchaikovsky performed by Ozzie Osbourne. The violence was gratuitous (spoiler alert:<\/span> especially since it was all imagined).<\/p>\n

    I should have gone to see Yogi Bear 3-D<\/em>. I\u2019ll catch the squeakuel!<\/p>\n

    \n

    PS: I could be wrong.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Note: I don’t normally write film reviews, but the film I just saw angered me in ways I have rarely experienced. 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